When I hear how a first time Mama is going to deliver her baby at home, I cringe. I know too much. I’ve heard too much from my firefighter husband about babies who are delivered outside of the hospital.
Looking back, I am SO UNBELIEVABLY grateful I had the opportunity to make it to the hospital where I was surrounded by world class nurses and mid – wives and ONE REALLY GREAT DOCTOR! Without this team of trained medical staff, my delivery would’ve been a disaster.
Since having beastmode Bode, I’ve had time to reflect back on what that experience was like and what it’s like to be almost two years removed.
I don’t know if I’ve written about this before because I almost never go back and reread blog posts, but I grieve for that innocent little first time Mama who imagined something completely different than what reality gave her.
I was so scared.
I can go back to those last few hours of the operation in seconds.
My mind is like a steal trap for the memory of that emergency c – section and I want to hold every Mama who has had a traumatic c – section in my arms and never let go.
The physical pain.
Not just the fact that you’ve just given birth and had your entire world turned upside down, but you are recovering from a major abdominal surgery and trying to comprehend what just happened while a baby is screaming at you until you place their little mouth over your overly sensitive nipple.
The pain of breastfeeding.
I will always remember what it feels like because at one point I had cabbage leaves on my nipples to reduce the pain.
That is until my friend told me cabbage leaves were used to reduce milk flow. WTF.
And then going up and down the stairs…
The biggest mistake you can make when recovering from a c-section.
Well the stairs and laughing or crying or sneezing or choking on water and trying to suppress a cough.
Here we are 19 months later and I still get pain when I’ve worked my core too much, but I’m starting to see muscle again.
OH ALMOST FORGOT – the lightning strikes of pain that happen when your tissues are trying to fuse back together – that never gets old. It feels like rods of lightning in your belly that shock you any time of day or night. The pain can be so bad that it wakes you up from a deep sleep.
If it sounds like I’m complaining, it’s because I am.
I’m complaining at the lack of knowledge we have going into a potential c – section every time we give birth or that some mama’s cover up their pain by saying they are fine and love motherhood.
What the fuck is going on?
Am I living in an alternate universe where we have perfect hair and perfect makeup and pretend everything is not going to fall apart if one more cup spills everywhere?
The amount of times I use the word ‘fuck’ in my house…
If the walls could talk.
Just today, when I started the bath for the little guy, I go into my room to get a towel and by the time I’m back (5-7 seconds later) Bode has fallen in the tub, soaked from head to toe, shocked then screaming and all I’m thinking is OH MY GOD!!!!
What if I got a text, got distracted and taken another 5 seconds and what if the water had been higher and he got trapped underneath and drowned?
I think about Bode Miller and his little sweet daughter who drowned in the pool this year. She was the exact same age that Bode now. That shook up parents everywhere because drowning doesn’t discriminate.
So this is what I’m thinking when I see Bode dripping wet after probably feeling the water temperature and falling in.
The endless worry that they aren’t breathing if they’ve napped too long or that their cough is a little too hard or their face doesn’t look quite right, it doesn’t stop.
Some days I wonder if I’m strong enough for all the worrying.
I know I am.
But I wonder.
And then I start to think about Mama’s with mental illnesses and think about how freaking hard that must be for them!
We put our kids in front of our needs because we have too. They are our responsibility.
There are so many comparisons too.
“I only have one and she has 3! I should stop complaining.”
1 is like 20, I’ve heard 2 is like 30 and then nothing really changes because it’s such a madhouse.
And of course on one side – the hardships, but on the other the light…
Bode is a light. A joy. A smart and intuitive soul. A thinker. An observer. Aggressive. Athletic.
He’s going to get away with so much because of how cute he is – a woman at the grocery store told me my daughter was pretty today, so there’s that…
That’s why we do it despite the other galaxy parenthood soars us into.
We get to see these little humans that we’ve created evolve and grow and emulate and hope that they don’t get all the stuff we don’t like about ourselves.
We’re nutty enough to do it again and again and again because there are so many moments of PURE JOY and HAPPINESS. I’ve smiled more over the last 19 months than any other time in my life. I’m too tired to cry, but I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.